Hey there! By now, I’m sure you’ve heard about the study that confirms what we always knew: that people who conclude their text messages with exclamation points are the most sincere people!
I’ve been saying this for years, but no one would listen to me! Oh noooo, we had to wait for big and mighty SUNY Binghamton to come up with a study telling us that if you end your texts with a period, you’re a jag-off grammar nerd who everyone hates, like that drip “King” Stannis from Game of Thrones!
Irony of ironies: you know who SUNY Binghamton’s mascot is?! Baxter the Bearcat! And we know full well what someone with a name like Baxter does: he’s the kind of guy who ends his texts with a period!
What I have to say about periods is as follows: Suck it, end stops!
The thing about periods is that they make people think of, like, Megyn Kelley with stuff coming out of her whatever! Eww!!
OK, OK, don’t get all sensitive! That’s the problem with you people! People are too sensitive these days! But do you know who has the most right to be sensitive at the present moment?! People like me: a cis, straight, white male who lives on the coast with his values! We are the most maligned people in the country right now! Everybody hates us!
Why?! Because of our sincerity!
Insincere, period-using people just don’t like it when you get real with them!
Let me pause here to enthusiastically and sincerely note that when someone told me I was a cis, I said, “No duh!” on account of I work in Computer Information Systems! But then I learned that cis just means I’m a guy who likes girls! OK, fine, I’m down with that—I’m a cis CIS man, ladies!
And how did I come to learn what cis means?! Because trans people were shouting about it, using exclamation points left and right so I could be educated! Thanks, trans people! I come in peace, and I will totally let you use my bathroom if you introduce me to some of your hot cis lady friends!
Yes, exclamations are finally having their moment! Exclamations mean sincerity and enthusiasm and shouting! Just check the comments section of any web site! (Ignore the ALL CAPS people, though! Those guys try too hard at faking it until they make it!)
Still doubt the righteousness of exclamations?! Just look at the current presidential campaigns and who has the momentum:
Donald Trump: shouting!
Bernie Sanders: shouting!
And Hillary Clinton—you know why people don’t trust her?! Not enough shouting! But when she does start shouting, man, she needs to tone it down! Sheesh, so aggressive!
(In case you’re wondering why Ted Cruz and John Kasich lost: period users!!)
The enthusiasm of these people! It’s what America needs! All of us shouting and exclaiming at each other! No one listens to people who declare or critically question or reasonably state! If we’re going to move forward as a country, we need to use exclamation points in all areas of our discourse, public and private, and we need to do so now!
But if you continue to insist on being the type of person who no one likes, the type of person who still ends his messages with periods like the rest of the losers who can’t get with the hot cis ladies, then go ahead and pay a visit to SUNY Binghamton and trade texts with Baxter—no doubt he’ll be over there correcting King Stannis’ grammar!
Sincerely though: Go Bearcats!